And then I see this ...

A lifetime of denial

... and I wonder how "they" think that any mental illness at all, and I do mean ANY, is actually possible to get over or recover from?

There's no light at the end of the tunnel today. Triggers? The philosophy tutorial? An extremely brief telephone conversation with an old friend? The London A-Z? All of these and more, I'm sure.

A quick cry and I think it's all OK again. For now ...

Why do I want to do this?

Can someone please give me a good reason as to why I shouldn't post "my story" to the Guardian, as per their "My Story" (more below) column? Desperately needing to reach out and find comfort in people that know me today, feeling like a crazy isolated stranger again and I'm thinking of packing it all in and getting my move on once more... Trying to find solace in the outside world, I know if I could just read my book - how funny, it's a semi-textbook! - I'd get some peace of mind and at least push these thoughts away for a while.

Oh, listen to that, dinner's ready, maybe that will help instead. Gotta love the distractions ...

Anyway, the article I've just read is here. Her story is 10million times worse than mine, but you know, I just want to connect to something. Anything.

Fucking get over yourself House ...

What's that buzzing sound???

Oh yeah, right, that'll be my ears then ... Thanks PNAU! FUCK, that band were LOUD!!! I'll have to remember earplugs for Capitol next time. How the hell are we going to top that for a live show? Thinking caps ahoy ... well, once I can stop wanting to jump around like a crazy bastard and get some sleep and do some study and write some emails and come back down to the real world again. Tea and toast are helping, just ...

Just a quick message this AM, after the positivity of the 2020 summit and calls for all sorts of reforms, good old "white Australia" rears its ancient, racist, zenophobic (is that the correct use of the term?) head to deliver this:-

Immigration concerns

Crazy really, do people think that they can truly have these attitudes forever? I love my bus route to Uni in Perth (one of the few things I do actually like), it's the most multicultural cosmopolitan scene I can imagine. Well, apart from Amanda's school classes I suppose. As it glides past Churchlands ECU, Shenton Park College and UWA, all sorts of students from all over the world hop on and off to go and learn, and you can pretty much tell which campus they are attending when they get on the bus. The best bit is picking up at Churchlands ECU in the evenings, that's when I feel I'm back in Melbourne or Manchester even, not dreary old Perth.

blog blog blah blah

So I'm doing my EURO1101 homework (for last week admittedly, but anyways) and reading about EU focus groups and people's reactions to queries about the European-ness and feelings of integration, what is Europe etc. Reading peoples comments about how good it feels to be outside of your own country, yet in Europe with other Europeans reminded me of a party I went to a couple of weeks ago.

I was embroiled within turgid discussions of maximising wealth-creation - how the HELL do I have friends like this? - when I escaped to meet new people from South America, Switzerland and Japan. I proceeded to engage in lengthy free-flowing ebullient discourse (sorry, I got started on that sentence and I HAD to finish it Stephen Fry style). Let's start again ... I had the most lovely chat with these people, exchanging travel stories, learning new words from each others languages, posing for photographs, sharing study plans and discussing future prospects. It was the most lovely conversation I had had with (dare I say it) "strangers" in a very long time. I can hold my own amongst such people, I would have felt the same if we'd been in any of their countries - as one might be keen to point out that I was the native here - and we were all equal. I rarely feel that in my little city in this corner of the world - probably why I upped sticks and left so early on in life - yet to come across citizens of the world like these, those who've ventured beyond their language/economic/political boundaries for whatever reasons, and to communicate with them, is probably one of the most interesting things about being alive.

Long may it continue ...

I am drowning ...

... in SuperSearch! It's limitless possibilities and endless connections to obscure fricking journals with tiny wee undergrad papers AND book reviews (what use is a BLOODY book review???? ) is driving me to the point of BASHING ON MY KEYBOARD VERY HARD, pushing my temples to stop my brain from exploding, grunt loudly at the computer, push my fingers as far into my stomach as I possibly can without it really properly hurting and wanting to jump out the window.

How am I EVER going to find a flipping article I can use in my essay when there are probably ten trillion billion to choose from?

Maybe going to University in the times before the internet was actually easier? Maybe that's why my friends actually had FUN (yes, you heard it, FUN!) at University, because there weren't ENDLESS LIMITLESS POSSIBILITIES. Can I make it any clearer as to how difficult for a perfectionist ENDLESS LIMITLESS POSSIBILITIES actually is?

I think I need to rename something of mine ENDLESS LIMITLESS POSSIBILITIES. My anxiety? Too obvious. My brain? Not witty enough. My sense of reason? Untrue. My capacity for insanity? Aha, think you've hit the nail on the head there, House ...

I might just go post this at NODE and see what kind of a response I get. When is someone going to wake up to teh fact that I am slowly going C-R-A-Z-Y again and need help??

ooh, it's been a while?

so i'm getting cross at having to do research for my philosophy essay - not that i've even written the buggery thing yet, but whatever! - and i came across two little articles that have lifted my spirits and made me even more interested in just thinking and reading and philosophising than before. i know want to spend my life doing such things, even more so if i can share it with a boy in a band because then i will have the best of both worlds. is it wrong to find - well, stumble across really - little affirmations that make me feel happier about myself and my existence, that agree with my thoughts and can justify my ideas? here's hoping not. the fact that they make me impulsive might be wrong, but i'm not going to act on anything just now, just email and blog and think and wait ...

Voltaire's Story of the Good Brahmin

Philosophy and Depression