My YES year?

Wonderful Celeste has suggested that my thirty-third year, be the year of YES! So, I am to document everything I say yes to, and if I can associate a song with it, I'll come up with a super playlist too...

So that's the idea. Starting Saturday. Am I putting it off? Umm, no, not really. I don't think?

Anyway, a song to start with. The Rapture's "Olio" off the Yes New York compilation, perhaps? Same version as on 'Echoes', I cannae remember which I heard first though, everything back then is such a blur ...

Yes to NYC for next year as well, too! Hurrah!

art & music is on my mind ....

Today's inspiration: Jonathan Jones' Art blog on the Guardian website.

All of his ideals about artists are pretty amazing, lofty and inspiring. But when he mixes up music - and one of my favourite bands, no less - with talk of art, I'm always particularly interested and intrigued.

Not to mention, the talk of late 70's/early 80's Britain is pretty much the most melancholy time I can imagine, what with Thatcherism at it's height and all the degradation it produced.

His other recent posts on Rothko and religion are pretty great too.

Enjoy.

birthday?

how do i get through the night now?
the next day?
week?
month?
year?
lifetime?

i lied
i told the truth
i parcelled it in lies
i apologised
a lot
i was gracious
i think
i hope things won't change
but i can't imagine them staying the same

i hurt
i'll get over it
i'm sad
empty?
free?

That's good, right?
no
we'll see
never say never
so embarrassing

nervously

apologising
profusely
and promising hope that nothing would be different

i feel i've betrayed him
betrayed his confidence
betrayed his need for an impartial sounding board

i did it to unburden myself
but instead i've burdened him with it

i hope so?
i said we could
i said i could

but not right now, no

i feel lonely
and empty
and sore
and despondent
and hopeless

it's my birthday on saturday
unhappy birthday to me
again
unhappy lonely birthday to me

Groups?

I think I'd really like to try some group therapy. Maybe it's time to speak to my friend about the Grow group she goes to? Maybe not right now, but just to find out more.

It's not often you ever see anything written about dysthmia, so I was pleased to come across this today, hence the post ...

"The symptoms you describe are accurate for dysthymic depression - mild constant depression interrupted by occasional serious episodes."

After that first session, I take a walk. It has become stunningly obvious that my noticeable traits of character - things I had put down to personal idiosyncrasies - are actually symptoms of depression: isolation, difficulty having relationships, feeling sad, rejecting affection.

I'm scared to read on though, in case she worries - like I do - that what you feel is inherent to your very personality and being, is described as bad or wrong by the medical professionals. Needing to be changed.

But changed into what? God only knows I'd love to have the answers to that and other such questions. I could have slayed **** yesterday when they were carrying on about knowing where their life and career were going. I'm just starting on that journey, trying to figure out where I want things to go, it's only just beginning for me. So, I don't think it's wrong that I don't have any answers just now. Or is it? Oh, I don't know, it's all horribly boring anyway, really.

So I'm nearly 33 and just beginning. At least I'm beginning again, and not still heading towards the end ...