Please tell me this didn't really happen ...

Last night sitting on my bed after a day at school, I'd had a lovely mini-date/coffee with a friend from class, and was feeling tired but good. Dad comes in to tell me about some TV personality who'd committed suicide, we got to talking about how if I ever felt like that again I had to talk to someone. But I'd only just been thinking about how much easier an out it can be minutes before as I was reading about the guys death, which I told Dad, and how I noticed the guy didn't have a partner too, which at his (also my) age, sometimes doesn't help matters terribly much.

And then Dad preceeded to tell me about he'd only just said to Mum the day before about how lonely I must be, here in Perth, in this house, not being able to talk to them about anything, and how nice it would be if I could meet someone. To which the fear of having to talk to people I don't know returned and I started feeling even worse.

I knew things were bad, but I didn't think it'd ever get so far as to attract my parent's pity. Sheesh, I don't think there's an awful lot lower than that.

Except, there is. When your Dad tells you how you can start conversations iwth engineers and tell them about all the interesting things I've done. Which I told him is all well and good, and I know people are interested in me, but unless there's a apark of something interesting about them that they let slip; their passion, or what makes them tick, then it's just another empty boring soulless conversation that I would rather drink myself to death than have.

So you'll forgive me for being rather depressed today then, won't you? To top it all off, I had awful nightmare this morning which I haven't had for ages - yes, they were about running away from scary things or getting into trouble again, of course! - and so with the all-pervading sense of darkness, I start crying when "Shadows" comes on and I realise how much I miss Age & James and how little I will actually see of them while they're in Perth this weekend. I just pictured Age doing his little dance and I burst into tears.

I miss my male friends, I hate not having them here to talk to. I miss all my firends, and all my girlfriends most especially, but there is nothing like the comfort of being with people who love and understand you and want to go out and get drunk and perve on cute boys and DANCE with you. And Age & I do that so very very well.

Where has all the fucking fun in my life gone?

“We used to feel like dancing and screwing are the two things that we are still allowed to enjoy in life, and… we [want] to make music that [encourages] people to do one of those things or both,” Julian Hamilton, one half of The Presets, said recently.

Friends, today is not a good day. I will hopefully see you all tomorrow.