NO LIGHTS ...

Sheesh, red wine on the plane, what am I thinking? Things are getting desperate, or rather, back to normal? I'm not quite sure which it is, could be either really. Not that it matters, no-one else is keeping count, or tally, or whatever other word you'd like to call it ... Thanks for the mix Dan, this should keep me entertained for a wee while at least.

What was I going to write about? Things to be done I suppose, desires that are still wanting. What clarity has this morning provided? Not much more than from last night, however there are a few more friendly faces around town to make me feel welcome. Age is right though, I should make a list of the things I want to do, I'm not so sure about keeping it private, I don't really care what anyone else thinks, I just need to have it somehow I know I can refer to it, not hidden away where I'll never reflect on it. Let's see if I can get it to 10 just now ...

1. Learn Spanish - to no particular extent, just to start and to continue doing so if possible.
2. Purchase the acoustic bass that I've always been on about, and teach myself how to play.
3. Become a TM proper - I could amend this to being: go on tour overseas with a band I love, either or would do. However from the "Dreams" list it would be fabulous to be able to make it into a proper job.
4. Own a cat - doesn't go terribly well with the overseas TM job, but y'know, I'm trying to come up with 10 things here!
5. Learn to DJ - either that or just find a program where I can mix tracks into one another so I can do it at home. I doubt I'd be terribly good at it, I'd just still really like to do it.
6. Write more - blogs, stream of consciousness, diary, fiction, lyrics, prose, whatever. I should keep more of what I think, mostly so that I don't let it destroy my mind, but also just for, because I always said I couldn't.
7. Cook one new thing every week - difficult with the parentals, but necessary. And I could keep a journal of what I make, thereby writing more too.
8. Be more confident - believe in myself more, believe in people wanting to know and talk me. Speak to the people I want to, I need to lose the paralysing fear I have of rejection. Be more like I was on Friday night, I enjoyed the rush of it all, and it paid off handsomely ... oh, did it ever.
9. Move back to Melbourne - again, difficult, yet necessary. End of November looks good, set about making plans to make this happen.
10. Get married - so much easier said than done, but it does need to be acknowledged. There's no point pretending it isn't actually the longest real desire I've had on the list. I'm sending it out there, I want it happen. It ultimately has to be for love but it can start off with a visa/passport thing if necessary. I don't know how I manage to daydream so incredibly far off into the future from just one night, but ... oh, you never know. I don't know how I allow myself to (seemingly) be hurt so badly, yet to still think of the good in it; the possibility is still very very fresh in the air. That's today's perspective anyway, this very minute.

The silly boy is still very much desired. If only ...

OK, I made it to 10, that's an achievement in itself. Post it tonight, see where I go. Review soon, very soon.

crap from last night ...

So, Em believes I have to put the good vibes out there. Believe I deserve good things to happen to me, so I can encourage them in. People are a lot better with the universe on this side of the country, I wonder why that is? Anyway, regardless of why, I'm putting it out there; I want something beautiful, special, deep, personal, intense, magickal and wonderful. I want it, I deserve it and I hope it happens. I can't wait to meet that person, I hope he's excited about finding me too.



Melbourne takes my breath away with its vibrancy, yet it can also be terribly soulless at times. I'm enjoying being the me I am now here this trip. Things are clearer, I'm more at ease and I have more of a sense of purpose about myself. A confidence in me. Certainly encouraged by various recent others, they do and don't need to know/know who they are. I like the me I am this time, I feel comfortable in it. And it seems to be repaying me in spades too. How fabulous is that? I'm certainly not complaining :)

Should I take this advice?

So instead of reading all the flipping research I have done on the British (lack of) Constitution and Lord Hailsham's "elective dictatorship" claim, I find myself on the Guardian's website this afternoon, on the life&health section. Reading about lots of people's lives and secrets is probably the best form of procrastination one could enjoy and seeing as I have sworn off all gossip magazines etc - except for popbitch - it seemed like an innocent indulgence. And I came across this ...

Trying to work out if someone's interested.

May have to give it one last final proper shot. Whaddya reckon?

The wrong decision? A study in why I haven't had a boyfriend since I returned to Australia

If only that could be my thesis statement, I'm sure I could write 2500 words on that. Plus even. Oh for fucks sake, I've ever started making a mixtape, that's taking this all too fucking far. How black the melancholy can sink, nasty and yet inspiring that it is. D's words are ringing in my ears from Friday night - who says it's wrong, and what EMPIRICAL evidence do you have to prove their conclusions correct? Yes, indeed, I have none ... except that I cannot imagine anyone I know who would not raise an eyebrow were the words to be spoken. It took time then I found you. Bastard. Right, playlist completed, all is good with the world, I'm back in 2004, seemingly in NYC as well, strange that. Not really strange, kinda obvious I suppose. Too many links I could possibly make between now and then, then of mind and actuality. How am I going to remove this sense of unfulfilment (I have no idea how to spell that fucking word) and get back on track again? Study is hard, work is hard, mind is barren on both and seemingly fertile on other topics which aren't particularly much help right now. Nice to think about, daydream about, ponder upon whilst one is on the bus, yet no good whilst attempting flipping philosophical critique. I think I'd rather just read what Freud had to say instead of reading what others said about his writing. it's rather eloquent in parts, and if you can keep a reasoned head upon your shoulders, very logical in part as well. I'm feeling rather candid about the analysis of PA that will occur during tomorrow's tutorial discussion, I'm sure that will probably lead to crazy bag lady ponderings, but to remove the temptation would be quite helpful. Then I'd have to ponder on Freud himself I imagine, and I'm sure the resulting neuroses would be rather more constructive with regards to recovery than an experience which more than likely end in some form of disaster. I sense the danger, yet I still want to run towards it. But it's not a self-destructive notion, I think? Is it just because it's the only available (interesting) option? What's stopping me making noises in other directions, those that I think could be positive? Despite the distance, I truly thought I could be brave enough to put myself forward today, in that particular direction! Well, for all of about two seconds on the bus, I thought I could, I thought, "What's stopping me? What do I really have to lose?" Money and independence I suppose. Surely they'd be regained some other how. But why in that direction when I'm pretty sure there is another option at a similar distance that would more than likely bear fruit? Am I just trying to convince myself that as it could be possible it should be an option? There's none of the symptoms, but the symptoms are kinda misleading at times I suppose. Maybe a little more study as to what the point is would help? The notion of Human Nature. I know mine goes against the grain. I have decided once and for all that "theirs" is not my destiny. So fuck the rules then, if I believe I'm outside the box, then maybe my unorthodox traditions can continue? As long as there are no more collapses I suppose. Oh the highs and lows of typing! Euphoria and nophoria in a one minute span, surely that has to be a record! Should I burn the disc? Can I control my thoughts to not be so random? The only two options I've seen that I'm interested in here are both fraught with difficulty, one legal, one not-so-legal yet probably a far worse stigma attached to it. Unattainability, how can one be attracted solely by that? Surely that's not the answer either? I don't believe I have a death wish, a guiding self-destruct button. I'm drawn to what I'm drawn to, it's generally the same thing I've been drawn to for aeons, that mysteriously handsome creative spark. I should burn it. Except I really do have ulterior motives, and surely, despite the passing of far-too-many-to-count years, the "mixtape" still has certain connotations. Not just certain, actual bloody non-avoidable connotations and consequences. I'd be admitting to that by clicking burn, well, if it ever left my hands, I would be. And, it has songs on it that someone gave to me on a mixtape. In 2004 no less. How's about that for a neat summation?