Sunday 4 January 2009

New year, new dramas, new me?

Aaahhh, could it be possible ...

So, it's been quite a while since I last wrote. The excitement of exams and finishing Uni, followed with the inevitable comedown. A trip East pretendingly based around work but actually unfolded as a sojourn of solitude and recovery. Yet a seductive prick at the tail end however, which, I discovered the following week upon my return home, turned into a bit of a throbbing pain and has now turned into a wound that I know not how to heal. And then Christmas followed by NYE all mixed in with more visitations from afar, and I ended up spent, broken and spat out by the holidays.

Such fun, I hear you ask? Well, naturlich (how the hell can I add an umlaut?), nein, but a lesson to be learned nonetheless.

I proclaimed that this 34th year of my life was to be the year of saying yes, yet I am still as cautious as ever. Obviously, this only ever really has anything to do with matters of the heart, and I let another possibility just s-l-i-p away on a plane into the skies once more.

I don't know how to figure out what is worth expending energy on, and what isn't anymore? I'm sure my Mother would encourage me to do one of her fabulous SWOT analyses, but I don't really think that's going to give an accurate reading of one's emotional tendencies in such situations. Maybe I'll try a brief a rundown here, and see if typing it out helps any?

Potential suitor numero uno: has the geographical benefit, as well as the fairly well-established friendship. Yet the potential of ruining said lovely (and extremely necessary friendship) and the difference in years and experience counts against #1. Plus, we've only discussed our separate desire for mates, rather than a mutual desire for each other.

Potential suitor numero dos: has requited feelings most definitely of something more than friendship, yet the huge geographical distance makes it pretty impossible - in the short term - for these to develop in any other way than virtually. And knowing my track record with email flirtations/relationships/explorations, they invariably never live up to the hype in real life. However, the coincidence meter is off the scale regarding #2, could that be a secret weapon, perhaps?

Potential suitor numero tres: has had the benefit of already seeing one naked so there ain't so much in the way or embarrassment to be spared in that regard, (yet, I can always dig up self-consciousness in spades as and when necessary.) He also has far more important personal issues on his plate right now, and doesn't score too hot on the geographical divide either. Do I have feelings because I feel like I should, or because I actually do? When he's not around or in mind, I'm not sure how highly #3 features on the love-o-meter?

and that leaves Potential suitor numero quatro: whom I adore spending time with, but I just don't know if I feel anything other than friendship, when I know his feelings run far deeper than that. Is that beacuse we've never been able to spend terribly much time together over the years, again a rather large geographical as well as age gap? I have been in a couple of potentially very romantic situations with #4, but I always felt more awkward than enamoured.

If I could have anything I wanted in the world right now, I think it's fairly obvious which suitor could Sharpie my heart all over his dance card. Is it right to wait for that to happen, knowing full-well the possibility may never arise? In that case then, do I push for it, batter the poor gentleman around the ears with my incesant desires to make something happen? Or do I pursue the closer to home option, in some sort of 'we both know we want someone else, but this'll do until then' solution?

Anyone get a crystal ball for Chrimbo? Care to let me take a look, please?

1 comment:

Amanda Kendle said...

eeek. I don't have any words of wisdom at all, but wanted you to know I'd read this, at least!!! On the positive side, better to have numerous possibilities than nothing but ... the geographical thing sucks. Maybe that's why the people who stay in Perth all their life are actually (in some way) smarter than us. So I don't know what you should/could do ... but I still totally believe that the right thing will work out at the right time. Waiting for that, however, is totally f'ed. Right?! xxx
PS you did way too much cleaning here but thank you SO much! And the cats report that they were very well taken care of :-)