A wee Friday video

Just found Dennis Pennis' new incarnation online in this fab newsclip about the scourge of DJ's in Lahndan:-



Very very funny. I'm off to find some more Mike Stutter clips. Then maybe it'll be time for breakfast? Why is it that "Kaye's" are so funny? Phil Kaye, Paul Kaye, May Kaye? Actually, he may just be Kay, and it's really only his hair that's funny. I hear the espresso a'callin' ...

Conflicted

Things I want to do today:-

1. Stop taking the pills
2. Move back to Melbourne
3. Work in the music biz again
4. Go out dancing and drink lots of alcohol

Things I will do today:-

1. Go to Body Balance
2. Make some tarts
3. Accept the heat at Tab's wedding
4. Not drink any alcohol at the reception

Surely there has to be an easier way? I wanna be this:-


And not this :-

All my trials and tribulations

Aaaaahhhhhh, B-52's downloads, very good indeed.

OK, where was I? Just got distracted by yet another need to RSS some useless musicblog bollocks, but at least I now am ORGANISED when it comes to RSS, and now know what it fricking means! Big apologies to the peeps that I dissed about four years (give or take maybe two of them) ago when they were requesting said feeds for StuPot's diary - I had no idea what you were on about and it has taken me this long to figure it out, so there is no way I could have incorporated it into the fabbo B&S site. Oooh, first use of the add link tool on this blog site too, I am getting into it.

(It's a bit chilly tonight, time for my hoodie)

Spent today with my cousin in Freo. It's so lovely to catch up with Margs, a shame we can't get plastered like we used to do in Melbs, but at least there's more conducive conversation. Sample of old conversation:- "... and then I kissed the oh-so-sexy black-jeaned nice-haired boy with girlfriend blah blah blah...", repeat until I go crazy twelve months later. However, I couldn't help feeling like I'd had a three hour counselling session, so I'm feeling kinda drained. Could do with a day off sat in front of this white box that holds my life, writing/reading/organising and cleaning up stuff. Maybe tomorrow. Too much stuff running around my brain, I need to start back in with the structured days, to try to stop feeling so disparate and anxious. All those books going unread in favour of uninspiring episodes of Scrubs. Nae point in that really. Then all the FB nonsense as well. Still, it's so great to come across peeps like Geoff and have conversations between my friends and sister who don't know each other. I fear my obsessive compulsive tendencies are coming back again, the need to start rigidly organising things - or that fantasy that I possibly could - and the letdown's when I don't achieve nearly as much as I want to. Expectation, I curse you! Twice!

How cute is this?


Super grumpy shorn Molly Moe. Actually, that picture doesn't do any justice to her cuteness, but it will have to suffice, as I haven't figured out how to add a pic right where I leave the cursor, rather than at the top of the blog. The HTML editor ain't that perfect then. Thank whoever she's not off to Canberra anytime soon, and thank that same whomever that she comes when I call her. Having to deal with this parental sheeeyite with no Moe would be kinda difficult. Thanks to you Moe Moe, you are a life saver.

Saw a film last night, Waitress, which was extremely promising except for its flipping fairytale ending. Most of it made me terribly uncomfortable, some good some bad to be discovered in that. But all in all I thought it was mostly well written, directed and acted, apart from the powerful female character's being handed the good fortune she'd been looking for on a plate. Since when does life work like that? Actually, since when did I become so overwhelmingly bitter and angry? Me not likee, I need a new out. anyone know of any decent free wireless hotspots in Perth where I can plug in the laptop and not feel I have to buy countless coffee's and friands (they're the new muffin's, y'see)? Preferably with nearby rail link? Bet askjeeves doesn't have an answer for that one, maybe I'll tap him up and see...

Oh, look at that, instead of AJ, I just wandered off and found yet another musicblog to RSS, Carrie ex-Sleater Kinney's NPR musicings. When the hell am I going to have time to read all these flipping things? I am loving you GoogleReader and lovely RSS orange icon whatsie, but I fear that you may be my next internerd downfall, post FB, Adium, lastfm, myspaz, flickr, iChat, Friendster, ILX, FAP, Skype, Bowlie, #sinister @ mIRC, and where it all seemingly started, the one and only Sinister. And we're back to B&S again ... actually, blame Kitchen, he got me hooked before that. Bastard.

Who has a psychology degree?

What's the difference between arrogance and self-confidence? Why aren't self-confidence and self-esteem the same thing? (and why does this cursor go so bloody slow - gah! Gonna try typing into TextEdit and cut and paste instead ...) And what prompts one to ask these questions, you ask? Can I answer with another question? I mean another after that one? And that one there? Ditto? Geezo, would you just STOP IT woman!

OK, I was having a shower - always thinking in the shower, doesn't everyone? - and thinking about the Mental Health Community forum I went to last night. They had several speakers, including a lady who has schizophrenia, and although her explanation and observations were very personal, informative and above all delivered well, I couldn't help but think that I could have done better. Not that my story is any more tragic or interesting than her's, but that I could engage, inform and entertain people better. How awfully judgemental is that! Which led me to thinking about what an arrogant thought it was and likened it to the thought's I was having the other day when talking to a friend about his tutor's at his TAFE course. The gentleman who lectures there is a music manager, but (and again, there's the judgement) within the local industry, and is interested in meeting me. I'm sure I could tell him a thing or two about my experiences, and perhaps - as they're on a wider scale - they could also be of interest to his students. (Of course, I was more likely thinking "I know more than you do" but I am trying not to be so arrogant about it. Oops, failed.) I will go and meet this gentleman lecturer and I now want to see if there is a place for me to send my writing to with regards to my experiences as a Mental Health Consumer and see if there is anything other people can learn from it. When I thought about it again, it all sounded a bit arrogant to me. So, what is the difference then, between arrogance and self-confidence, where does the line lie? Is it drawn by the motivation behind the thoughts, between wanting to - in this instance - share knowledge as opposed to boasting about it? These are the things I think about whilst having a shower...

And then when I started writing, I wondered how I could possibly feel confident enough to want to go out there and share my observations with others, when I have such l-o-w self-esteem? (We're talking kinda mid-Pacific Ocean trenches kinda l-o-w here). Why aren't self-confidence and self-esteem the same thing? Does anyone have heaps of both? Does everyone have a deficit in one of them?

I have no answers today. I had made myself a promise that seeing that it is my BIRTHDAY (yep, 21 again ...) that I would not be participating in my illness today, but it seems that my quiet times lead to contemplation. Which leads me here.

Happy birthday to me :) I made it! Bring on Christmas ...

A conversation about happiness

"Given that happiness is an objective, what, truthfully, would make you happy?"

Good question! Happiness would be getting into the UWA Arts degree, studying Philosophy/European Studies, enjoying it and actually being any good at it. That's what I'd like just now. I'd also like to have my own place sometime soon, as it's hard living in this wee box room when I think of 1094 Cathcart Road and how wonderful that space and time was for me. But again, it's all a process, so I'm sure that will eventuate, at some point. I'm taking each day as it comes, and trying to gain little amounts of happiness from each one, step by step seems to be the key. Ensuring I have routines, achieve small things every day, connect with people that are important to me, learn and try to be a little more at peace with myself. It's a constant battle, there are far too many things I want to do/see/experience, but by trying to not be so impatient and realising that there are severe limitations as to what I can achieve and experience just now - and accepting those limitations as not being restrictive, but productive - then I can go forward, slowly but surely.

It certainly helps to not have to work, and to not have to worry about money (so much). I can't do anywhere near the amount of things I want to do/enjoy doing, but I've pared down my life and trying to establish what the really important things to me are, and to try and do them more. Sometimes it works, sometimes it leads me to immense frustrations as I realise what's important is something I want that can't happen until at least four years into the future from now. So I have to accept the "process" (there's that word again), that time is linear, that all good things come to those that wait, and work through the actions that can lead me there.

Mind you, this is all in theory, as I have countless hours of pondering over millions of outcomes, trying to establish the "core me". But I suppose I am just trying to find out who I am, what is important to me, and nurturing those things, so that I can start liking myself a little more, believe in my abilities a lot more and become the person I have pretended to be for so long.

Here's hoping :)

What would make you happy?

Procrastination

So it just took me 10 minutes to clean my room. 10 minutes. Actually, it probably wasn't even that long, but I've been putting it off since Tuesday. Ridiculous. And what have I been doing instead? Not an awful lot. Actually, I've done an awful lot of procrastinating and FAFFING around - ie spending far too much time online looking at crap, the nature of which we won't even go into here - but I did have a look around at some Philosophy sites, UWA, Oxford, Murdoch, ANU and some connected societies, and came across this nice video on the Australian Philosophy Societies website:-

http://www.aap.org.au/resources/video.html

Just wanted to preserve for posterity's sake.

Now, if I could make this little cursor go faster, I would type more, but I can't so I won't. Maybe later when I have closed down all the FAFFING windows it will do so, but maybe it just doesn't like the heat either. Don't blame it, really ...

I don't have much to say

Went to the theatre with N and D, was nice to spend time with them both. Not going to WAAPA methinks, I can do all that myself already i reckon. I wore this top for the first time since I've been "back". Just for the hell of it ...


It's nearly a year since this was taken, how fricking scary is that???

Dearie me, just looked at a photo from a year before that and I am wearing the same top. Love you TopShop.

I tried!

So, explaining to M&D why discovering how to use GoogleBlogger was a complete waste of time. I should have known, they're luddites really and D was only just hours ago complaining about how his flipping nasal spray has changed it's packaging. "Why does it need to change?" was the cry. Sheesh, you'd think they were 80+. Geriatrics, who'd live with them. However, I turned a frown into a smile and didn't let their incredibly ridiculous "Why would anyone want to waste their time doing that? They could be outside or at the beach!" comments poison my evening, so I can cheerily write here instead. You may question why that's a big deal, but if it wasn't for the "journey" and "therapy" and all that other bullshit, then I'd be in the foulest mood possible, secretly plotting hate traps and evil deathwishes. Well, not really, but I'd sleep awfully and be lovely and resentful in the morning. Thank you Manoj for my new wallhanging, I will try and encompass it's aspects into my everyday life and not let those stupid bastards get me down. Or something like that. If I could scan it, I'd post it here, but I can't. Quick description:- low self-esteem -> increased rejection sensitivity (whether true or perceived) -> EITHER [decreased assertiveness -> need to please/seeking approval -> low self-esteem] OR [anger (either overt or passive/sabotage) -> depression. It's more pretty in diagrammatic form. Is that a word??? Where's the thesaurus when you need one? Actually, where's the dictionary to learn how to spell thesaurus? Thank you blogmaster for including a spellcheck on this fancy site.

Just enough time for an episode of Scrubs and another quick look around before sleep. never did quite get around to single gym, let alone double gym today. Pump at 8.30am tomorrow? I dinnae think so ...

Day Two

It would be so easy to say, "no, I can do this tomorrow", but I am trying to be GOOD and I will do it today instead. There's too much to write about today, so here's some bullet points:-

* The nightmare style dream about losing my front lower left incisor (yes, I did have to count just then with my tongue to ensure which side it was on) and Simon being ever-so-unhelpful. Abandoned on Sauchiehall Street (except - of course! - it wasn't *really* Sauchiehall Street) trying to make my way to the Dental Hospital; grey grey forboding skies; the walk home along Argyle Street to the West End, the parties and fair-type festivities in the "square" past the office turnoff on the Sauchiehall Street WE extension part, near Bar Miro; the squat that was suddenly in sunshine and colour, the staircase to it's top - was it an outside fire escape inside? - and the gathering within it, Rox was definitely there; the weird feeling I am getting typing this now that the last part there might actually be another dream, the one with Blair and the high flats like Nanna's with the grass that I can see in neo-colour just now. That dream had the same skies ...

* My horrid hyperactivity of this morning and inane Cheshire Cat grin. What causes such behaviours? Anxiety provoked of course.

* The episode with Mum, Dad and Manoj; his suggestions of them helping fund my independence, which brought great pleasure to me, but then the thought on the bus home, at what cost? Indebted to them, I would no longer be independent, as I don't imagine I'd ever be allowed to forget they were funding it, like it was at school and for years after. Is it worth the hassle?

* Shopping. Felt good at the time, yet I still haven't unpacked it and it had to hide it all away on the way home so I wasn't questioned about it. Felt like I was at school again. Ridiculous.

Time for a little more looking, then sleep. Double gym tomorrow, here's hoping.

the beginning?

OK, so maybe LJ isn't the best place to write, let's try here and see if it's any more inspiring.

Today is Guy Fawke's Day, historically significant for more reasons than the attack on Parliament, for me anyways. A freezing cold Scottish night, dodging wee neds with their penny firecrackers (or whatever they cost nowadays), worrying about all the poor animals in their hooses frightened by local mini-explosions and crossing Glasgow Green with thousands of other revellers to watch the fireworks. Yet today, I wake up to the alarm on my Crack, note the date, open the blinds and find burning sunshine across blue skies. The complete opposite. It's hard to take in, how can I leave those memories behind? I want this:-


Instead, I have this ...


Bah, the irony.