birthday?

how do i get through the night now?
the next day?
week?
month?
year?
lifetime?

i lied
i told the truth
i parcelled it in lies
i apologised
a lot
i was gracious
i think
i hope things won't change
but i can't imagine them staying the same

i hurt
i'll get over it
i'm sad
empty?
free?

That's good, right?
no
we'll see
never say never
so embarrassing

nervously

apologising
profusely
and promising hope that nothing would be different

i feel i've betrayed him
betrayed his confidence
betrayed his need for an impartial sounding board

i did it to unburden myself
but instead i've burdened him with it

i hope so?
i said we could
i said i could

but not right now, no

i feel lonely
and empty
and sore
and despondent
and hopeless

it's my birthday on saturday
unhappy birthday to me
again
unhappy lonely birthday to me

Who has a psychology degree?

What's the difference between arrogance and self-confidence? Why aren't self-confidence and self-esteem the same thing? (and why does this cursor go so bloody slow - gah! Gonna try typing into TextEdit and cut and paste instead ...) And what prompts one to ask these questions, you ask? Can I answer with another question? I mean another after that one? And that one there? Ditto? Geezo, would you just STOP IT woman!

OK, I was having a shower - always thinking in the shower, doesn't everyone? - and thinking about the Mental Health Community forum I went to last night. They had several speakers, including a lady who has schizophrenia, and although her explanation and observations were very personal, informative and above all delivered well, I couldn't help but think that I could have done better. Not that my story is any more tragic or interesting than her's, but that I could engage, inform and entertain people better. How awfully judgemental is that! Which led me to thinking about what an arrogant thought it was and likened it to the thought's I was having the other day when talking to a friend about his tutor's at his TAFE course. The gentleman who lectures there is a music manager, but (and again, there's the judgement) within the local industry, and is interested in meeting me. I'm sure I could tell him a thing or two about my experiences, and perhaps - as they're on a wider scale - they could also be of interest to his students. (Of course, I was more likely thinking "I know more than you do" but I am trying not to be so arrogant about it. Oops, failed.) I will go and meet this gentleman lecturer and I now want to see if there is a place for me to send my writing to with regards to my experiences as a Mental Health Consumer and see if there is anything other people can learn from it. When I thought about it again, it all sounded a bit arrogant to me. So, what is the difference then, between arrogance and self-confidence, where does the line lie? Is it drawn by the motivation behind the thoughts, between wanting to - in this instance - share knowledge as opposed to boasting about it? These are the things I think about whilst having a shower...

And then when I started writing, I wondered how I could possibly feel confident enough to want to go out there and share my observations with others, when I have such l-o-w self-esteem? (We're talking kinda mid-Pacific Ocean trenches kinda l-o-w here). Why aren't self-confidence and self-esteem the same thing? Does anyone have heaps of both? Does everyone have a deficit in one of them?

I have no answers today. I had made myself a promise that seeing that it is my BIRTHDAY (yep, 21 again ...) that I would not be participating in my illness today, but it seems that my quiet times lead to contemplation. Which leads me here.

Happy birthday to me :) I made it! Bring on Christmas ...