I'm able to write again!

I just said to a friend on the phone how nice it was to finally have the brain space to be able to write again, after the past seemingly endless yet probably only six weeks of chaos and craziness. Yesterday I feel I finally had the freedom and clarity of thought that allows me to actually properly think and comprehend without that nervous twitching that has been all-pervasive recently. I feel somewhat calm and at peace with my mind. It's a very nice feeling. I know I still have a bucketful of things to do, one which shan't be mentioned but is very much likely to affect "the 2008 plan" quite adversely. Hopefully I will get around to it later on tonight.

In the meantime, I've found three articles I wanted to blog on, but I just remembered another thing I've been pondering today so I will address that first ...

I realised that I cooked for FUN for the first time in months! I had my first creative cooking thought yesterday whilst in IGA - Scotch baps, anyone fancy a fried egg and tatty scone roll? - and today I acted on it; yet berry & choc-chip muffins were the result. And bloody nice they are too. These people who don't like berries because they are too tart are just plain stupid if you ask me.

Leading on from the food thing, I experienced an interesting thought process today when Mum told me about the cuttlefish she saw in the pool this afternoon. I'm sure it was a cuttlefish that Stephen and I were communicating with at some aquarium we went to in 2003, I think it was Singapore, but could very well have been Melbourne or Sydney or even Perth perhaps? I now recall how incredibly intelligent this creature was, waving back at us and swimming up and down in its tank. If cuttlefish aren't terribly different to squid, which I don't think they are, then how can I truly accept eating squid? And I already know how intelligent octupi are, yet the fact that they scare me to buggery is enough for me to consider eating them. Don't know if I could truly bring myself to kill one though. Removing it from the water is easy, but giving it a good bash is probably that step too far.

If you're having trouble following this train of thought, my semi-vegetarianism/vegaquarianism/pescaterianism stems from the motto that "I wouldn't eat anything I'm not prepared to kill". So, all animals and birds are off-menu, yet many sea creatures - fish, crabs, prawns, squid, shark etc. - are all allowable as they either "don't have brains" (an old quote from a probably-not-anymore friend who was justifying his cooking fish whilst he claimed vegetarianism) or I would quite happily remove them from their habitat, which in effect kills them, in order to consume them. Silly I suppose, but it has sustained me being both semi-vegetarian and (mostly) healthy for the last eight-and-a-half years (exactly, today!), so I've been sticking with it. Except I've now had four encounters that have started me thinking otherwise, that cutting out the aqua-life might be necessary too? The cuttlefish story from before is the third. Last week there was lamb (I just wrote meat but even that looks disgusting, such is my persuasion at present) defrosting on the side all bloody and revolting, made my stomach turn. Then I was having a conversation with Dad last night about fishing - which despite saying I would be happy to do, I have not done since I became this vegaquarian hybrid thingo - and I accepted I would have a lot of problems with bashing the fish in order to kill it after I'd reeled it in. Then we have the cuttlefish and as I went into the kitchen just before there was red meat being cut up to be stuffed inside pasties. Again, it turned my stomach. I'm not sure how to progress on this one, like I said to Mum, it seems that there's something encouraging me to step further away from consuming animal products. So, I have just decided to say no to shark and squid for now. Crusteaceans and fish are still fair game, not sure where that places an eel? Surely that's got to be more fish than anything else? Not that I eat eel anyway, but Dan's recommendation the other week made me curious. I wonder how long it will take for this position to be revised again? Probably not another 8+ years, I'm sure. I always thought I'd never make the move towards veganism, I'm sure I will never end up vegan, but I can certainly imagine being a proper practising vegetarian and mostly eschewing dairy & eggs too. One day. Maybe that's all part of the philosophical pursuit, as Plato termed it?

Flip, you'd think I hadn't written for months! Funny that ... Quickly on to those articles as Cynthia has arrived and I must surely become sociable.

Firstly, IMF finally knocks on Uncle Sam's door

Actually, I'm not going to get a chance to expand on these now, will have to do so later instead ...

DEVO!!!

Ahhh, I wish this didn't always end up as a bunch of rambling thoughts, and was an actual coherent structured useful record or narrative for others to read. Still, I think I'll have to do an *awful* lot of free writing to be able to rid myself of the stream of consciousness style I am so accustomed to. I'd love to be able to write other things. I'd really love to be able to write music, if I was being truly honest with myself in my heart of hearts as to what I'd like to do. But, as per usual, there are 10 million blocks I put in place of my being able to. You don't have the right equipment, or time or creativity or whatever. The wee Casio is just not going to cut it I fear!

TANGENT TIME!

Remember that list I wrote of all the things I wanted to buy with my house money when I left Glasgow? I don't think I got any of them except for the bike. No car, no diamonds, no acoustic bass guitar, no scooter. I'm sure there was heaps more ... I don't really need any of those things either, boy do I have enough shite to sink a ship, but I would still like them all. And I would really like to try the guitar ... Do I find that when I do get the right tools, after procrastinating that I can't do such-and-such because of so-and-so, that things actually start to work? I'm not sure, I'm not sure I let/force myself to reflect back on things like that. Maybe I should?

BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND ...

I've sat back wanting others to ask me to be involved for the longest time. Pretty bloody stupid really, if I'm learning anything from this trip, it's to be open to things, and have no expectations. That's crap, if I've learned anything from Friday night it's that nice things happen when you least expect it every so often! There's no universal "this will happen if you think blah blah blah", it's all chance and whatnot, most of it I have no control over. I only have control over how I let it affect me. And that's what this kind of writing helps to do; let those horrid hating angsty feelings out, remove them from my conscious and avail me of mental power to be more proactive in other things.

WHINGE TIME ...

Why is it so easy for all these boys to fall into collaborative projects as they do? What the FUCK are all the girls doing at the same time? I know for sure that some of them do make themselves available, but why do we feel that our projects should be solo projects? Does it come from some sense of having to prove "I can do it myself?" Seems kind of logical as I type it, but I would HATE for that to be the answer? I hope Em find her creative side stimulated beyond her wildest dreams from forging out into new collaborative projects. I don't really know where I can go with my desires for creativity. I'd like to have the encouragement and support of others, no wonder I crave being "part" of something all the time. I'm not brave enough to forge my path on my own ... well, maybe I am actually, but I think it would be more fun having the hands of others to hold and their arms to fall back on and shoulders to cry on when the need arises. And more mouths for drinking copious amounts of alcohol and laughing like crazed goons with when it all goes right and there is celebrating to be done.

I'll find my niche, somehow, someday. I do really like the idea of coming back here for the summer. Finding a sublet, soaking it all up again. Exploring and seeing where I end up. But for now, I think I will just have to accept that I could possibly return before then, and most probably will not.

But I am going to go and see how much it would be to fly over when DEVO are here, as it would be terribly stupid not to, don't you think?