DEVO!!!

Ahhh, I wish this didn't always end up as a bunch of rambling thoughts, and was an actual coherent structured useful record or narrative for others to read. Still, I think I'll have to do an *awful* lot of free writing to be able to rid myself of the stream of consciousness style I am so accustomed to. I'd love to be able to write other things. I'd really love to be able to write music, if I was being truly honest with myself in my heart of hearts as to what I'd like to do. But, as per usual, there are 10 million blocks I put in place of my being able to. You don't have the right equipment, or time or creativity or whatever. The wee Casio is just not going to cut it I fear!

TANGENT TIME!

Remember that list I wrote of all the things I wanted to buy with my house money when I left Glasgow? I don't think I got any of them except for the bike. No car, no diamonds, no acoustic bass guitar, no scooter. I'm sure there was heaps more ... I don't really need any of those things either, boy do I have enough shite to sink a ship, but I would still like them all. And I would really like to try the guitar ... Do I find that when I do get the right tools, after procrastinating that I can't do such-and-such because of so-and-so, that things actually start to work? I'm not sure, I'm not sure I let/force myself to reflect back on things like that. Maybe I should?

BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND ...

I've sat back wanting others to ask me to be involved for the longest time. Pretty bloody stupid really, if I'm learning anything from this trip, it's to be open to things, and have no expectations. That's crap, if I've learned anything from Friday night it's that nice things happen when you least expect it every so often! There's no universal "this will happen if you think blah blah blah", it's all chance and whatnot, most of it I have no control over. I only have control over how I let it affect me. And that's what this kind of writing helps to do; let those horrid hating angsty feelings out, remove them from my conscious and avail me of mental power to be more proactive in other things.

WHINGE TIME ...

Why is it so easy for all these boys to fall into collaborative projects as they do? What the FUCK are all the girls doing at the same time? I know for sure that some of them do make themselves available, but why do we feel that our projects should be solo projects? Does it come from some sense of having to prove "I can do it myself?" Seems kind of logical as I type it, but I would HATE for that to be the answer? I hope Em find her creative side stimulated beyond her wildest dreams from forging out into new collaborative projects. I don't really know where I can go with my desires for creativity. I'd like to have the encouragement and support of others, no wonder I crave being "part" of something all the time. I'm not brave enough to forge my path on my own ... well, maybe I am actually, but I think it would be more fun having the hands of others to hold and their arms to fall back on and shoulders to cry on when the need arises. And more mouths for drinking copious amounts of alcohol and laughing like crazed goons with when it all goes right and there is celebrating to be done.

I'll find my niche, somehow, someday. I do really like the idea of coming back here for the summer. Finding a sublet, soaking it all up again. Exploring and seeing where I end up. But for now, I think I will just have to accept that I could possibly return before then, and most probably will not.

But I am going to go and see how much it would be to fly over when DEVO are here, as it would be terribly stupid not to, don't you think?