something i wrote

I feel like I’ve woken up in a dream and here I am in the library, the alien library, the University library, where all around are people I won't ever get to know properly, all seemingly part of my life and existence, yet I can wish them away in a second by focusing on this ridiculously odd path I seem to have found myself in.

How the hell did I choose this?

How the hell did I think this was the right thing to do?

I know I was clutching at straws and that this possibility seemed the least difficult most useful path to take, but is it right? Is it really what I should be doing?

How will I find that out? At what point will the monkey jump up and down and say well done, you can move on to the next level?

I have said I’ve committed to three years, but in my heart of hearts I know that’s bollocks and this may only be a very short stop gap to something else. What that something else will be I have absolutely no idea, I don’t really know if there is a right thing to do next.

I still need help to find those answers, I know its wrong to want someone to help, that I really need to be decide for myself and be happy in those choices because of that, but I find myself yet again wishing that I had the guidance of someone I really trusted, who really knew to help me choose.

I haven’t found that yet. I love all my friends, I love them dearly and I would be lost and gone without them, but still, it shouldn’t be this hard to find someone to help, should it?

Stop looking around, it’s not helping. The only thing to do is focus, focus on what needs doing and do it so you then have clarity to be able to focus again on the next thing, which could possibly be this.

OK?