The wrong decision? A study in why I haven't had a boyfriend since I returned to Australia

If only that could be my thesis statement, I'm sure I could write 2500 words on that. Plus even. Oh for fucks sake, I've ever started making a mixtape, that's taking this all too fucking far. How black the melancholy can sink, nasty and yet inspiring that it is. D's words are ringing in my ears from Friday night - who says it's wrong, and what EMPIRICAL evidence do you have to prove their conclusions correct? Yes, indeed, I have none ... except that I cannot imagine anyone I know who would not raise an eyebrow were the words to be spoken. It took time then I found you. Bastard. Right, playlist completed, all is good with the world, I'm back in 2004, seemingly in NYC as well, strange that. Not really strange, kinda obvious I suppose. Too many links I could possibly make between now and then, then of mind and actuality. How am I going to remove this sense of unfulfilment (I have no idea how to spell that fucking word) and get back on track again? Study is hard, work is hard, mind is barren on both and seemingly fertile on other topics which aren't particularly much help right now. Nice to think about, daydream about, ponder upon whilst one is on the bus, yet no good whilst attempting flipping philosophical critique. I think I'd rather just read what Freud had to say instead of reading what others said about his writing. it's rather eloquent in parts, and if you can keep a reasoned head upon your shoulders, very logical in part as well. I'm feeling rather candid about the analysis of PA that will occur during tomorrow's tutorial discussion, I'm sure that will probably lead to crazy bag lady ponderings, but to remove the temptation would be quite helpful. Then I'd have to ponder on Freud himself I imagine, and I'm sure the resulting neuroses would be rather more constructive with regards to recovery than an experience which more than likely end in some form of disaster. I sense the danger, yet I still want to run towards it. But it's not a self-destructive notion, I think? Is it just because it's the only available (interesting) option? What's stopping me making noises in other directions, those that I think could be positive? Despite the distance, I truly thought I could be brave enough to put myself forward today, in that particular direction! Well, for all of about two seconds on the bus, I thought I could, I thought, "What's stopping me? What do I really have to lose?" Money and independence I suppose. Surely they'd be regained some other how. But why in that direction when I'm pretty sure there is another option at a similar distance that would more than likely bear fruit? Am I just trying to convince myself that as it could be possible it should be an option? There's none of the symptoms, but the symptoms are kinda misleading at times I suppose. Maybe a little more study as to what the point is would help? The notion of Human Nature. I know mine goes against the grain. I have decided once and for all that "theirs" is not my destiny. So fuck the rules then, if I believe I'm outside the box, then maybe my unorthodox traditions can continue? As long as there are no more collapses I suppose. Oh the highs and lows of typing! Euphoria and nophoria in a one minute span, surely that has to be a record! Should I burn the disc? Can I control my thoughts to not be so random? The only two options I've seen that I'm interested in here are both fraught with difficulty, one legal, one not-so-legal yet probably a far worse stigma attached to it. Unattainability, how can one be attracted solely by that? Surely that's not the answer either? I don't believe I have a death wish, a guiding self-destruct button. I'm drawn to what I'm drawn to, it's generally the same thing I've been drawn to for aeons, that mysteriously handsome creative spark. I should burn it. Except I really do have ulterior motives, and surely, despite the passing of far-too-many-to-count years, the "mixtape" still has certain connotations. Not just certain, actual bloody non-avoidable connotations and consequences. I'd be admitting to that by clicking burn, well, if it ever left my hands, I would be. And, it has songs on it that someone gave to me on a mixtape. In 2004 no less. How's about that for a neat summation?